We gotta get out of this place..

Saturday morning.  Usually we'd be getting the kids ready to go to Walsall College where they enjoy a dance & theatre class run by Carol Harvey-Barnes.  While they'd have a couple of hours there, Louise and I would have a walk around the town, usually ending up in Starbucks before going to pick them back up at 11.30..  then we'd sometimes head over to Telford for a walk around the shops there - and to see the clock with the bubble-blowing frog.

Today, we stayed in.  When Joel had gone to bed last night, I'd asked him to do me a favour for the next few weeks... that he doesn't try to go up or down stairs without mommy or daddy..

For the last couple of years, he's been getting up at around 5am and making his own way down the stairs to play on the PS3 or Wii..  but now, with his balance all over the place, that worried us.  He promised us he wouldn't..  I told him if he wanted to go up or down stairs, he should ask us to help him, as we'd need to be underneath him as he goes up or down..  I think he understood why and realised it's for his own safety.  He stayed upstairs this morning until Louise came down.  Last night, he slept in our bed - on my side.  I slept on the sofa.  Before I went to sleep, I looked around his room - his toys and his desk...  his posters.  I felt like I was grieving the loss of a child. In a way, I am.

I woke up late this morning, comparatively..  not long after, Joel's granddad Percy came to visit. I made some tea and while in the kitchen, I heard him asking Louise about some medication he was on.  I think Louise was losing her patience a bit..  she's given up work for the time being.  There's another knock at the door and this time it's Louise's brother, David.  He didn't visit while Joel was in hospital - he couldn't.  He couldn't face Joel in the hospital for fear of breaking down.  I understand how he felt, so he made sure that he would visit Joel as soon as he came home.  David (and his wife Carol) has been a godsend over the last two weeks, picking Eve up from school for us and giving Eve and his nan a lift to the hospital when possible. It was good to see him, and gave me chance to thank him for helping us out.  He graciously said it was nothing and that we wouldn't need to ask.

 

I'd agreed to let Eve sleep over at her friends house for the night..  she'd been looking forward to a sleep over for ages..  and her friends parents kindly said it was no problem.  We thought it would be from Friday night to Sunday lunchtime, but with Joel coming home Friday night, Eve wanted to stay at home on Friday to greet him..  That was sweet.

I drove Eve to her friends house on the afternoon, and Eve is quiet in the back of the car again.  Every set of lights where I stop, I ask if she's ok..  she's staring out of the window and when she makes eye contact with me in the mirror, I see she's welling up.  "What's the matter sweetheart?" I ask her.  
She wants to go home.  She's missing Joel, and missing her mom.  I ask myself if I should turn around and go home, or pull over and have a chat..  in the end, I carry on..  telling her how much fun she'll have, and how her friend is excited at the thought of them having a sleepover.  When we arrive at the house and park on the driveway, I switch off the engine, undo my seatbelt and turn around to talk face to face with Eve.

"Are you ok?  Do you still want to go home?"

She looks at me with tears in her eyes and nods..  I try to comfort her with words as best I can..  "You'll have a great time Eve..  and I'm only a phone call away if you want me to pick you up!".  She smiles, gets her bags, and we get out of the car..  She stares in awe at the house.  It's a lovely house.. very art-deco to look at from the outside.. almost like an old cinema, but very funky and modern inside.  I'm offered a tea which I accept and take a seat.  Eve is off already, running around the house with her school friend.  She'll be fine..  I sit and chat for a while, as time flies.  Louise calls..  I have a shopping list AND I'm supposed to be working tonight.  "Don't forget the toilet roll!".

I'm sure we've got some, but it's a reminder that I need to hurry anyway if I'm to make the LG Arena in time.

I stop at Sainsbury's on the way home..  get all the items on the list, including toilet roll.  Normally, I'm a stickler for getting the best bargain..  "12 rolls for £2.67...that's 22p per roll..  ooh,  9 rolls plus 3 free for only £2.49"...  but tonight, I just pick up a packet of 4 and don't even think about comparing prices.  Worrying about the value for money of toilet roll seems pointless these days.

I get home, unpack the shopping and get changed for work..  Joel is sat on the sofa playing Angry Birds....  he's managed to get to level 18 already.  I'm still on level 5.  Before I leave, I ask for a kiss and tell him I love him.  He replies in a warbled voice "I lo-ove yo-ou to-oo-oo".  I don't know why his voice is so childlike now..  I hope it's not permanent...  it's slow and cumbersome, and painful to hear when you know how articulate he was before with his speech.

 

My night is wasted.  I'm supposed to be shooting a female X-Factor contestant's concert for a Sunday paper's lead review and there's no pass..  Normally the production teams are quite flexible and accommodating (especially when it's coverage of this size!) but tonight, they say no..  they don't even have the decency to tell me to my face - asking me to wait 15 minutes while they sort it out, then after 30 minutes and I ask the box office to chase it up, they pass a message back saying "It's a no". I'm not too bothered about not shooting her - but I am bothered at the fact that I've come out expecting to earn some money for the first time in two weeks and leave empty handed when I could have spent more valuable time at home with Joel.  I let the paper know that they refused access, they have a mild panic attack as now they have to change their plans for the music section next week. 
Part of me hope's they cut the review altogether, but that wouldn't be very fair on the reviewer.  Thankfully, the picture desk say they'll pay me a decent fee for turning up so at least my journey hasn't left me out of pocket.

 

I get home just before 9pm and Joel is still awake..  thank goodness. Eve has been trying to Facetime me, so I facetime her and she speaks to Joel for a bit.  She wanted to facetime Joel but bless her, decided against it as she thought he would be resting in bed, and didn't bother me because she knew I'd be working..  or thought it at least.

Joel has great fun speaking to her and actually SEEING her..  We're glad they both have iPods now..  Facetime is very useful..  even if the technology has been around for years before Steve Jobs championed it as his own idea...

We say goodnight to her - she looks like she's having fun.  She's happy anyway.  Joel also enjoyed his first FaceTime experience.  Thanks Steve.

No sooner has Eve said goodnight, Joel wants to go to bed.  I carry him upstairs and he nestles his head into my neck and shoulder.  Before the tumour, he'd never be so close as this.  As much as I like the loving I get from him now, I'd still rather have the child back who doesn't want to get close, the child who can't sit still for more than 30 seconds, the little boy who would ignore every request for a kiss and a hug from me.. I feel like I've had my child taken away from me and substituted with another.  I don't like it. I want my son back.

Tonight, I sleep in Joel's bed as he sleeps in the arms of his mother.  I wish our bed were big enough for the three of us.  I don't want him thinking that I'm not there for him - but I don't want to push myself on him over his mother either.  I think she's more important to him than I am at this moment.  He's always been closer to her than me, although lately, he's been the closest he's ever been with me..  It's like he's forgotten that he's been his mums boy..  I don't want to take that away from her, so I stay in his room tonight.  Lonely.